This may be the only thing I ever blog....

Let me start by saying, I am not a writer & don't claim to be.  My grammar is not perfect & neither am I, but I have felt led to share this for quite some time.  I hope I don't butcher the English language too much :)  Here goes.....

One Day at a time is something I am still working on, for I am an obsessive planner :).  In March 2012, God chose a life changing experience to teach me that I cannot worry about tomorrow, but only focus on today, as He tells us in Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Below is something I wrote this summer as part of my healing process & therapy.  I've only shared it with my closest family & friends, but God has put it on my heart that I need to share this with others.  My prayer is that it would comfort someone in a similar situation & that it touches you in a way that would bring you closer to our Heavenly Father, for He really is ALL we need.

St. Patrick’s day 2012 was a day we will never forget.  As I woke up, I knew something wasn’t right.  I called my OB as soon as I got up to tell them what was going on.  A few short hours later, our lives changed forever.  At 16 weeks & 4 days pregnant, my water broke, slowly.  Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t’ realize what was going on.  I guess I was just in denial.  After a painful examination, the doctor on call that Saturday morning ordered an ultrasound.  At 16 weeks 4 days, we had not found out the sex of the baby yet, so we were hoping maybe we could get an early peek.  Very quickly, that turned out to be the least of our worries.  We learned that there was very little amniotic fluid left, but the baby still had a strong heartbeat.   I was encouraged that our baby still had such a strong heartbeat, but something inside me knew that we would never get to hold & love on our special blessing.  Guess it was that whole Mother’s intuition thing.  We were told by 3 different doctors that we should terminate the pregnancy, but with every ultrasound, there was that tiny precious little heartbeat.  How could we terminate?  Who were WE to decide the fate of this child?  I prayed the same prayer before each appointment, “God, please save our baby, but if you choose not to, God please don’t put this decision in OUR hands”.   I tried so hard to keep a positive attitude & honestly I did for a while, but with every new appointment & ultrasound being a negative experience, it was hard.  On March 29^th, I went back to see my OB after seeing a high risk doctor at UAB the week before.  She was so sensitive, & I could see the hurt in her eyes as she talked to me & told me that there was really nothing they could do.  She explained everything in terms that were easy to understand.  She explained how important it was for the baby to have the proper amount of amniotic fluid in order for the lungs to develop.   We went in for another ultrasound that day & we tried again, to get a peek at the sex, but there was no measurable amniotic fluid & because of the very low fluid, it made it hard to see those features on the ultrasound.   Although there was no fluid, our sweet angel still had a strong heartbeat.   We were again reassured in our decision not to terminate, hearing that “swooshing sound” on the monitor.

 Back to March 29^th.  That is the day that I followed up with my OB after seeing the specialist at UAB.  I told Brad on the way to the appointment, no matter what happens today, I have a peace.  He said he felt that same peace.  On the way to our appointment, we heard the song, “Blessings” by Laura Story.  How absolutely appropriate……”What if our blessings come through raindrops, what if our healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know you’re near”.  Wow , how I could relate after all of the tears that had been shed & were yet to be shed.  At around 10:20am, my wonderful doctor who had been behind us on our decision not to terminate gave us the news that I had an infection & that it was in MY best interest that he induce labor.  I go back to that day a lot.  I wonder how things would be different if I had absolutely refused.  I wonder if I did the right thing? As I sit today & listen to the laughter of my precious eight year old daughter & hold the hand of the man that I’ve been “dating” for 19 years (married to for 13), I know that the peaceful feeling that Brad & I both had that morning was not just coincidence.  It was the peace that comes from the one & ONLY, Jesus.  He was telling us, “It’s ok – I am answering your prayer – it’s out of YOUR hands…..you need to listen to your doctor.  You are not done yet – you need to be here to grow old with that man who has been there for you all of these years & to mold that precious eight year old daughter that I have already blessed you with.”   Blessed Reassurance - that is what I got on that day that is so bittersweet in my mind.  As we prepared to go to the hospital, I had no idea what to do or what to expect.  Looking back now, it sort of feels like a dream.  I know that the only way we made it through that day was by Jesus holding us up, as he promises in Isaiah 41:10; “So do not fear, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  This verse will be one I will carry with me for years to come, as I know the road isn’t always going to be easy.  How wonderful it is to know that no matter what we are faced with, that the strongest of hands, is always there to hold us up! 

I could not have asked for better nurses during what was going to be the saddest day of my life.  They each showed compassion, which is exactly what we needed.   The hospital was great as far as being sensitive to our needs.  They labeled our door with a “Healing Hearts” sign, which indicated to all entering our room that we would not be taking our baby home.   I can’t express how much the healing hearts club meant to us.  From the sensitive nature of those in charge to the absolutely precious Catholic Sister who came to have prayer with us, everyone showed the utmost sympathy & care for us.   Our labor nurse, Ima Jean, was an absolute angel that I know God placed there.    She explained how everything would go & answered every question that we had with such care.  She explained how the baby would look since he was only 18 weeks old.  I knew that he wouldn’t look like a normal baby & to be honest, it scared me.  I wanted to remember my child as the perfect angel I had pictured him to be.  She told me that everything was up to us;   It was our choice if we wanted to hold him or not.  My mind went back & forth, not knowing what to do.  I prayed to God to just take over & show me what to do.  Everything happened so fast.  There were decisions that we had to make that we never thought we would be making.  We had started this day at the doctor’s office for a checkup, not realizing that we would be gaining & losing our precious Parker all in the same day.    Back to Ima Jean.  She was so caring & I’ll never forget the tears in her eyes and her mouth trembling as she told me, after looking at our angel, “He is perfect”.   Yes, our baby BOY was perfect & that is how I wanted to remember him.  I’ll never forget how Brad & I both cried when she announced, “It’s a boy”.  Brad just looked at me & said, “you were right”.  I had a feeling all along that our baby was a boy.    My heart ached like never before.  I prayed again for God to tell me what to do & at the moment  Ima Jean handed Parker to me, I lost it & something inside me said, “No – I can’t do it”.  I could not bear to hold him.  I knew that he wouldn’t be here long & how in the world could I hold him & let him go all in the same day?  My biggest fear was looking at him & not remembering him as my “Perfect Parker”.  I asked Brad to look at him & he did.  With tears streaming down his face, he said, “He’s perfect – he looks like……..like me.” 

March 29, 2012 is a day that has a whole new meaning for us.  It’s the day that our sweet Parker entered & left this world.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my sweet boy.  We have a special dogwood tree in our backyard now that is a constant reminder of how BIG an impact that this tiny 7 ounce angel  made on our lives. 

Ecclesiates 3:1  “To Everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under Heaven.”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.